Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) originated in the partnership of Harvillle Hendrix and Helen La Kelly Hunt. It is a method of relationship counselling and a uniquely comprehensive theory of primary love relationships that guides couples to create conscious relationships.
So what happens in relationships? Our relationship journey starts very early on in life. We are born with an instinctive need to be in relationship with another human being since this ensures survival. This basic need continues to exist throughout our lives.
Had our caretakers been able to meet all our needs as children, we would live as whole, uncomplicated people. Unfortunately all our needs are not met in childhood, even though our caretakers may have done their best. At times they may have been tired, frustrated or struggling with problems of their own.
We therefore gradually adapt to get our needs met and to survive the emotional wounds we acquire in the process. We either withdraw, have temper tantrums or comply by pleasing others all the time.
Throughout our development, we unconsciously develop an image of the type of person we need in order to have all our needs met. This image is known as the IMAGO and is a composite image of all the positive and negative traits of our significant caretakers.
When we fall in love we instinctively know we have found the person who is able to meet all our needs. We see in this person all the positive traits of our IMAGO. At last we have found happiness.
Somewhere along the way we discover to our dismay that all is not as rosy as we had hoped. This loved one of ours is different from what we had imagined. Not only does he/she possess several negative characteristics, but also aspects we first viewed as loveable now become problematic.
Disillusionment turns into anger and anger into fear that once again we are trapped in a relationship in which our needs will not be met.
Thus we decide subconsciously, as we decided originally with our own caretakers, to try and force or coerce our partners to meet our needs by means of withdrawal, manipulation, threats, compromises, criticism or whatever else we think may be effective. We are now in the power struggle.
What happened? We discover that we have married or coupled with our IMAGO: someone who is uniquely unable to meet our needs!
This individual’s unique composition contains both the positive and negative character traits of our caretakers. Our need is indeed to be loved by such an unsuitable person in order to heal the hurts of our childhood and to develop to our full potential.
At times we may also become aware of character traits in our partner which we had to suppress during our own socialization process. Should I be disorganized, I may be attracted to an organized person just to discover at a later stage that this very character trait becomes a problem. I then criticize my partner for that trait, or for being too shy, outgoing, rational or emotional.
There is hope because this process is part of the natural development of every relationship. The romantic phase naturally ends and is followed by conflict and a power struggle.
 The key to healing lies in awareness. Everything that has happened thus far has been subconsciously motivated to bring about eventual healing. As these processes are brought into awareness there is hope for true repair and healing in ourselves and our relationship. Only then can true love emerge.
The healing process begins with a conscious choice. It is a decision to step out of the power struggle and move in the direction of greater consciousness about my partner and my own needs and hurts. This also involves a decision to grow and be truly committed to the relationship.
What happens in Imago Relationship Therapy?
Imago relationship therapy utilizes a variety of clinical procedures. The aim is to teach couples and singles desiring an intimate union, to identify their defences against intimacy and to understand the unconscious forces that influence partner selection and contribute towards difficulty in relationships. Aspects of the Imago process involves the following:
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discover the unconscious agenda that influenced partner selection,
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dissolve deeply rooted conflicts,
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understand and deal with frustrations,
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develop greater compassion for each other,
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learn new skills to break destructive cycles of relating,
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discover the essence of the other,
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reclaim the joy of relationships.
A core skill of Imago Relationship Therapy is a three-part dialogue that breaks couples out of defensive and symbiotic relating and promotes differentiation and compassion for the other. The Imago process, when consistently applied in any relationship, has the potential to be a transformative journey toward mutual healing and maturation.
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